5 Ways to Nurture Your Expat Relationship
Photo by Luis Cortes on Unsplash
The Time Zone Challenge
While you’re living your best expat life, the people you’ve left behind welcome your calls. But when the phone rings at 3 am, or pings with a new WhatsApp message, the Left Behind’s (LB’s) first thought is NOT “I can’t wait to hear what my expat is up to.”
No. The LB automatically goes to the deepest, darkest place and wonders “Who died?” or worse, “Was my expat in a crash?” Their heart starts racing and they can’t fall back asleep.
To avoid this unintended trauma, train yourself to quickly calculate what time it is for the LBs you want to stay in touch with, or use an app, and call them when they’re fully awake. Also, ask them if morning, noon, or night is best to connect, and be specific. For example, “When it’s 8am for you, it’s 5 pm for me — can I call you on my way home from work, while you’re commuting to your job?” “How late can you stay up at night so we can talk when it’s morning for me?”
Ask if they mind getting new photos or voicemails in the middle of the night. For people who leave their phone in another room, there’s nothing better than waking up to new messages. For others, a pinging phone on the bedstand does the opposite of endear you to them.
Schedule a Regular Time for Phone Calls and Face Times
Photo by Mimi Thian on Unsplash
Your life if busy, and you may not be settled into a routine, especially in the early days of your expat life. Hell, shaking things up may be the very reason you’ve become an expat. More than likely, your LB’s lives are more structured. It’s easier for them to say, “I’m available every Friday night after 7pm,” or “Call me on Sunday, after I get home from church.”
It’s frightfully easy for the weeks to get away from you when you don’t have a scheduled time to catch up. Do your darndest to create a standard time for calls and stick to it.
Let’s say you have young kids. Children are totally unpredictable. Your LB will understand if you have to miss a call due to a diaper explosion or temper tantrum (your child’s, not yours) moments before your scheduled call. Communicate what’s happening as soon as possible. All will be forgiven if you humbly acknowledge what got in the way of your scheduled time together.
Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash
Use the Mail
Mail Boxes, Oil on Canvas, Kenneth Callahan, 1935. Seattle Art Museum. Photo by Mindy Stern
The postal service in your new country may be slow as molasses or a marvel of efficiency. Ask other expats about their experience. You may hear, “Letters are usually delivered within a week, but packages? Don’t bother — it’s a nightmare.”
Buy international stamps, send a letter, and do a test run to see how long it takes to arrive. This applies both to you, the expat, and to your LBs. Nothing makes the heart soar higher than getting a REAL LETTER in the mail. Plus, the stamps are fun.
If you have kids, make a trip to the post office or mail box part of your routine. Letter-writing to your LBs can be a creative project for kids once they can draw, or write. When they’re too young to read on their own, make your LB’s letters part of story time. Then follow up with a call or Face Time. This is a win: win — acknowledging the effort your LB put into a letter can motivate them to write more. And vice versa, of course!
Acknowledge Birthdays and Other Important Dates
Post Office Murals by Terry Furchgott, 1995. Photo courtesy of Terry Furchgott
Nothing stings your LB more than a milestone day that goes by without a call or card from the expat they love. Once you’ve established how long it usually takes for your letters to arrive in your LB’s mailbox, count backwards from any special day you want to acknowledge. Add a few extra business days, and MARK YOUR CALENDAR so your greeting card or special letter gets sent in plenty of time. The last thing you want is for your beautiful note to arrive “a day late and a dollar short.”
If you’re going to Face Time, Zoom, or call, time it so it actually happens on your LB’s special day. This might mean calling them the night before or the day after in YOUR time zone. Remember — it’s not about you. Make sure it’s the right day and time of day in your LB’s country.
Be Sensitive to How Others Feel About You Living Abroad
You are on an adventure, but your absence may be hard to adjust to. Acknowledge, acknowledge, acknowledge the impact of your absence on the LB. Letting them express how much they miss you shouldn’t result in you feeling guilt or shame. You are an expat for a reason — and it probably isn’t to hurt the ones you love. Live your life to the fullest, but acknowledge that your absence may be felt as a deep loss to the ones you left behind.